IF I EVER TRICK ANYONE INTO LOVING ME FOREVER

or have any other excuse to wear a fancy white dress as though it’s a perfectly normal, not-creepy-at-all thing to do (any quinceƱearas or first communions coming up?), I will either wear…

Picture 1
this extremely short bell-sleeved thing that I saw in New York magazine a few years ago and will never determine the origin of.

this slightly gothy shift from Bona Drag, which apparently necessitates black lipstick for reasons I don’t fully understand but will comply with.

an assortment of nonchalant white garments layered over one another, because why not, a la Kate Moss.
an assortment of nonchalant white garments layered over one another, because why not, a la Kate Moss (childlike hair included).

… and a cropped white leather biker jacket over one of the above, because duh (this one is from Allsaints).

BE A TOTALLY INSANE PERSON: WEAR HEAD-TO-TOE HOLOGRAM

Although most of us are content dressing in a somewhat subdued tone (I revert to an all-black ensemble at least once a week), it’s nice to know that if you ever wanted to go full-blown Amanda Bynes DGAF‘d out, there are manufacturers all over the world creating sartorial options for you. I have a fantasy of someday wearing an entire outfit made of holographic items, and I’ve found that this would be entirely possible.

Futuristic Hologram Hat from 80sTees.com, $30

Eleven Paris Holographic Leather Biker Jacket from ASOS, $695.77

Holographic Silver Rainbow Shiny Metallic 90s Stretchy Tank Top from Etsy, $55

Kill City Melting Holographic Foil Junkie Jeans from dollskill.com, $142.40

Qupid Salya-565 Hologram Round Toe Flat from Urbanog, $17.80

Marc by Marc Jacobs Techno Wallet from Shopbop, $158

Fact: if you wear every single one of these items at the same time, you will yourself become a hologram and gain the ability to walk through walls, slip in and out of vision, teleport to outer space, and perform onstage with hologram Michael Jackson and hologram John Lennon at next year’s Coachella festival.